Sarah Palin, Please Run For President in 2012—The Country Needs You!

Now that the United States is facing the worst recession seen in decades, depressing jobless rates, and increased competition from the looming threat of the Red Dragon, we need a presidential candidate like Sarah “Mama Grizzly” Palin. We need a candidate with unquestionable potential… to make the nation fall over clutching our sides at said candidate’s vacuous, inane attempts at understanding grade school American history. We need a candidate who will compose speeches like she’s playing Mad Libs, randomly inserting words and phrases like “shore up,” and “take our arms,” and “maverick.” We need a candidate who can cheer on the nation while completely destroying any credibility she or her Alaskan version of the Beverly Hillbillies family ever had by claiming to be right even when she’s clearly wrong… on everything… at all times.

           

Michele Bachmann is not enough! Imagine the buddy sketches with Tina Fey as presidential candidate Palin along side Amy Poehler as presidential candidate Bachmann, portraying together this Bachmann-Palin Overdrive ticket. Imagine Fey contracting word diarrhea and trailing off until she give the camera a simple wink to signify that she’s finished embarrassing herself while awaiting the next question and Poehler staring vacantly into the camera like a deer in headlights, looking as if her forehead, minus the absent brain, my collapse at any moment under the weight of her bangs. Picture every American with over three working brain cells praying for telekinetic powers à la Carrie to strangle Bachmann with her own pearls, and then proceed to beat Palin to death with Trig, the child Palin uses more as a prop than a child and as a human shield to fend off any legitimate criticism leveled against her by her social and intellectual betters.

            

Sarah, you owe it to the fans of your babbling, bungling blather to continue to point out the lamestream media’s—by the way, you seem to have a problem with people using the word retarded, but you seem to have no problem referencing the lame in a similar derogatory manner—“gotcha” questions, like: “What do you read?” and “Where are you going?”  We need your folksy stupidity and laughably vague “ideas.” We need your twisted, childishly simple logic—I mean, I can see the moon from my house, but that doesn’t make me an astronaut.

In short, Ms. Palin, we need you to make a fool of yourself in the most public manner possible—we need you to aim for the impossible, knowing that you can and will fail. In failing, you will bring joy to millions of Americans that actually can do something to help this nation by using the brain God saw fit to revoke from you. Sarah Palin, please run (and lose the race) for president in 2012.